HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!

I don't blame this post on pregnancy as much as I just blame it on being partly crazy, BUT in the last few months, my dreams (all of which are nightmares!!!) have been plagued with horrible images of our child looking like this:

Seriously, what is wrong with me!!!! I even find myself adding to my prayers at night "and please let little baby get his father's looks and not Sloth's..."

I know I should be hoping that he comes out healthy and strong, being able to see, hear, breathe, etc., and I do hope for that -- but I also am petty and worry about really strange things, like:

-- What if he inherits a recessive squidget gene and only grows to be 5'1"? How will he get the ladies, especially if he inherits a recessive baldness gene? Will our son live with us until he is 35?

-- Is he going to come out with old man (the horseshoe) hair like Josh had when he was little?

-- What if he gets my butt? That suppleness (josh calls it my latin surprise, kristen calls it the 'muffin butt') might be a little awkward on a dude.

--What if he is as dumb as bricks? I will blame that on Josh? Again, will he live with us until he is 35?

--Or what if he is smarter than me by the 3rd grade? What good will I be to him then?

--If he inherits Josh's long "islander" toes, and my long fingers, will learning how to crawl and walk be a real challenge?

--What if he is no good at sports? Josh may disown him!!! Seriously, we are counting on him to be a lefty so we can ride the gravy train!!!
--Is he going to inherit my craziness? Because there's too much of that in our house already.

AND besides the baby and his gene pool, I also worry about my mothering skills:

--What if i am holding him and walking up the stairs and accidentally trip (it happens quite often) and fall on him and squish him and his eyes pop out? Seriously, I think that!!!

-- Will Kona think he is a chew toy and chew off his feet while I am sleeping?

-- What if I bring him to work one day and then forget him and leave him there all night? I have done that to my phone, and I really, REALLY can't live without my phone...

--What if my looks scare him and he cries everytime I hold him? It's happened with many children in the past, no lie!!!

Most days I really think -- whoah, what have i done to myself... This whole mom thing is going to be rough!!

But as long as he really doesn't come out looking like Sloth, I probably should be counting my blessings!!!!

My Guinness Book of World Records Entry:

Yes, I am quite possibly the world's largest pregnant woman alive. No, we are sure it's not twins. He may have had a twin at one point, which he swallowed, and is now a giant toddler growing inside of me. He may or may not have a full set of teeth and chest hair when (if) he comes out.

Besides the normal reasons of being excited to have a baby -- can't wait to cuddle him, smell his baby-ness, fall absolutely in love with him in every way possible, and more ooey gooey mush, I have a few personal and selfish agendas to having this baby OUT. They are as follows:

-- I can't wait to only have one chin. Actually, I'd settle for two chins. But this five chin thing (I may have 6 by next week) has GOT to stop. It's embarrassing.

-- Sausages for toes and cankles are OUT this season -- it's time I had some normal size feet that can fit into heels.

-- Not that I ever really enjoyed painting my own toenails (that's what little sisters are for!) I can't wait to reach them with ease, without grunting.

-- I am a stomach and a back sleeper. How I miss that dreadfully. And even if I'm actually missing out on the whole sleep part, I really can't wait to at least lie on my stomach for a full 10 minutes.

-- Pants with zippers and button flies. Need I say more.

-- I can't wait to JUMP again. A few months ago I attempted an 'agile' move from a boat to the dock... it did not go so well. Somehow my body didn't go up in the air as planned -- it was more of a trip over the side of the boat into the water. I think when he is out I will call on my childhood roots and attempt to get from one room in the house to the other without touching the floor and only jumping from one piece of furniture to the next (I know you all did it when you were young too, no judging!!!)

-- Oh blessed waistline, I hope you are still there waiting for me somewhere... As well as my belly button.

-- Not that I don't enjoy falling out of my bed every morning on purpose, it will be nice to just sit straight up and daintily/gracefully put my feet over the edge and get out like a normal person. As giant whale-sized as I am, I am surprised I haven't crashed through the floor with my attempted 'acrobats' at escaping the bed. Not to mention the plethora of pillows I surround myself with just to get comfortable!!! I am sure Josh will enjoy having more than 1/10th of the bed as well.

So with that said, I will be holding my breath until Josh Jr. comes out. I wish it would be tonight.